Well ladies. I hope you all enjoy the wedding. It was a bit of a rush for me this morning as I hadn't had my face lift. It was too expensive to have the one Zara had so I booked myself half an hour in the wind tunnel at Manchester Airport and look 20 years younger. You probably won't recognise me. I will be the one wearing a big badge saying "I am 40"

Well, thanks to Sheila`s cannons blasting us out of the water, we have given the newspapers a really big scoop. It was nothing to do with my bunting - Sheila just didn`t get her aim right. Poor Neddy - I fear we may have seen the last of him : not a pretty sight as he sailed out over the water towards the Forth Road Bridge.

Once Eleanor and I have dried out, and we locate Doreen and Julie we`ll tell you about our exploits. By the way, Jean - was Jenni with you? We haven`t seen her or Amanda since the guns went off.

Well, still no sign of Julie, or Jenni, but we finally found Doreen in the champagne bar at the Balmoral, playing the piano there. She wasn`t actually playing anything recognisable, but we managed to persuade her to leave before the management threw her out for complaining they were serving cheap plonk instead of champers.

When we got back to the Britannia Amanda was pouring glasses of wine for everyone, and miraculously there was still some of Eleanor`s cake left, so at least we had something to eat. Sheila wasn`t at all apologetic for blowing us out of the water, and was busy trying to teach the English rugby players her version of a Sailor`s Hornpipe.

Apparently, Sir Jackie Stewart is going to sue Lyn for taking her scissors to his kilt - well, you can`t really blame him : she just doesn`t know when to stop. Obviously the therapy hasn`t worked, so I suppose we must just be thankful she did no more damage, apart from trimming the bows on the bridesmaids` dresses and traumatising the little ones.

I suspect Julie may have made her way to Holyrood, as she was hoping to set up some sort of knitting circle when the reception was finished. She was planning on knitting a multi-coloured rugby ball for Jonny Wilkinson & his team-mates, but we`ll have to wait and see, I suppose.

I`m still feeling deaf after Sheila`s effort with the guns - either I can`t hear a thing or else my ears are ringing. What about you Jean - did you not hear the policeman when he told you to stop using the lamp-posts on the Mile to practice your dancing?

Decorum?? Decorum?? Come on Doreen, you wouldn`t know decorum if it jumped up and hit you!!!! Where was your decorum when you propositioned the groom?? It wouldn`t have been so bad if your false eyelashes hadn`t come unstuck when you tried to flutter them.

Come on girls, if the AR is shipshape again I vote we head for Dartmouth.

We can't let Sheila run amok in the Britannia Naval College without us to keep her in check!

Now I've retrieved my pink and yellow spotted bloomers from Eleanor, I am on the way to Dartmouth - see you all there girls. I've broken out my new cabbage leaf bikini - tres fetching it is too. Before I sign off, could someone tell me how I've ended up with Neddy, Cap'n Fint, the snake, Jack the talking dog and a Camel? Where on earth do they all come from? Perplexed of Timperley

I saw these making their way towards Jean and her extended wheeled commode.
Good job she had it extended if you ask me !

Ahoy! me hearties. Where are you all? I hope you haven't set sail without me. I have been working very hard in Dartmouth with the sailors and they are just about ready. I am now an expert at the sailors' hornpipe and my 21 gun salute is perfection itself. I hope you are all au fait with your jobs and positions now. Incidentally, I think someone has hacked into my mobile phone and nicked all my royal wedding photos. It isn't you again is it Jean? Thanks for the cakes Eleanor. Hubby and I really enjoyed them on holiday (we ignored the May sell by date and used them for cannon practise.) Please let me know where you all are

Where is everyone - Talk about leaving a sinking ship

Really sad not to have been aboard lately but, as you all know, I've been picked for the Olympic Pole Vaulting Squad and am having to get in as much practice as possible. The main problem seems to be finding a pole to support me - I've splintered three already and the concrete jobby I mocked up had no bend and I ended up in Bowdon Rugby field, which is a good half mile away. Suffice it to say, the lads were having their weekly knock about when I landed and I DID embroider a teeny bit when they asked me what neeed to be rubbed with linament. I've got a really tough schedule at the mo but will be back with you all soon. Has anyone else been picked for the Olympics? I know Julie is knitting the flags to fly at the stadium and Eleanor is preparing a 10 foot square cake (she'll be pickled for ages!). Dor has put in an estimate for supplying the main stadium track-side teas and Sheila is booked to start off the proceedings with a ten gun salute (would have been 21 but she has managed to loose 11 of the guns). Kathleen won't reveal her part in the proceedings but I think I heard her muttering something about always having to watch out for Lyn! Oh yes, and for those of you who don't know, Lyn has now acquired a chain saw, which fills me with the utmost dread. She'll have the stadium down before it's up!